Shoot 'Em Up is in the same league as Crank, but not as much fun

* * * (out of 5)

Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti and Monica Bellucci: How could you go wrong? Well they don't necessarily go wrong here, but they do miss a few turns. Who knew that Crank would be the Citizen Kane of action-porn? By action porn I mean unadulterated action with very little plot holding it all together. Shoot 'Em Up is more of the same, but without the laughs that made Crank such a hoot.

Oh Shoot... goes for laughs, but they are so mean-spirited that it's hard to find humor in them. For instance, a bad guy in a quiet moment reaches for the naked breast of a dead woman who's not only just been shot, but also just gave birth. The filmmakers were clearly going for laughs, but do we as an audience have to stoop that low for them. Women are often treated poorly in action films, but here they are viewed as more disposable possessions than most times.

On the other hand, the movie does pull off what it sets out to do. To be the most outrageously, outlandishly over-the-top action movie ever made. Starting 1 minute into the film we have a shoot-out taking place while the hero is trying to help that woman give birth. He shoots out an oil tank so that he can slide beneath a car to shoot two guys as he emerges. He jumps through two windows at once even though they are separated by a 90 degree angle. He jumps from one building to another with a 10-minute old newborn in his arms through a closed window with only his bare hand protecting the baby's bald head and neither baby nor him gets a scratch.

If you know what you are in for, it's mostly a fun ride. But oddly enough all that action eventually gets tedious, when the good guy has little chance of getting seriously hurt. More and more I realize that is what separates Die Hard from most other action movies. Halfway through a Die Hard, Bruce Willis already needs a trip to the Emergency room, yet he sucks it up and saves the day. In most other movies, good guys get their injuries if at all towards the end. Convenient.

Clive Owens was turned down as the new James Bond and while I don't think that was a mistake, I do believe he will spend the next several years trying to prove it was. Giamatti can play good guys with aplomb, but he plays bad guys with such great delight. Bellucci is wasted here as a common prostitute. One of the greatest actresses in Italy should be able to find better parts here in America.

The Freditor